Chili Mac

One summer while working with probation in Southern California, I was assigned to work exclusively with our US Marshalls task force officer, Brad.  He was a mountain of a man; 6’8’ and pushing 400 pounds.  As big as he was, he was just as clever and light spirited.  Always with a good dad joke and a poke in the ribs for effect.  One Tuesday afternoon he and I were transporting a wanted probationer to jail.  As a surprise to no one, he was combative.  Once in the car and on our way, the probationer said he would threaten suicide when booked into jail.  You see, this was not his first time going and he knew if he said he was thinking of hurting himself, we would have to take him across town to be evaluated by a psychiatric doctor to determine if he was in fact suicidal.  That process took hours and we were all hungry, including the probationer as it turned out.  We didn’t want to do the suicide shuffle and he knew it.

Brad and I did our best to ignore him and continue our drive, hoping he would lose interest. 

“Hey, what day is it?” Asked Brad, calmly speaking over the crook.

“Tuesday,” I said.

“Is it almost 3 o’clock?” It was.

“Why?” I asked. 

Brad explained.  A few years ago, someone was arrested on a DWI; a local chef working at one of the more popular restaurants in the downtown area. He was really good, as a matter of fact, he was a competitor in one of the popular cooking shows where chefs were given very limited ingredients and had to create a world class meal.  This guy won that completion.  Brad was surprised I hadn’t heard of him.  Anyway, Brad continued; while in custody the chef became a trustee, allowed to do extra chores to pass the time. He was assigned to the kitchen and created the Chili Mac.  Since his time inside, the recipe has been modified and perfected.  Now it had become a tradition to have it served every Tuesday afternoon.  Brad described the Chili Mac as a layer of the best chili you’ve ever had, made with extra ground beef and secret spices laid out on a cookie sheet, with a thick layer of mac and cheese on top.  The pan was baked until the cheese was a golden brown, nice and crispy to counter the soft chili underbelly.  It was a perfect mix of gooey and hot. 

While Brad was explaining, the probationer became interested, his cries of suicide were gone and replaced with a grumbling in his stomach. 

“Is this for real?” He asked.

“Hell yes it’s real, but they only make a certain amount, and start serving at 3 o’clock.  The corrections officers get first dibs of course, then they give the rest to whoever is booked in around that time.  It goes fast though.” Said Brad.

Suddenly the probationer was advising the fastest route to jail.  It was located downtown, with plenty of traffic on the way.  The probationer wanted me to turn down this street and beat that light.  I have to admit, I appreciated his guidance, we got there quicker than I thought and I was looking forward to some Chili Mac myself.

Once inside the sally port the probationer was booked in without incident.  Yes sir, no sir, I am not suicidal.  We removed his handcuffs and he was behind the doors in the tank, booked in successfully. 

Brad turned and started walking back to the car.

“….wait, aren’t we going in to get a slice of the Chili Mac?” I asked.

“Nah man, I just made that whole thing up.  There’s no such thing as Chili Mac, now lets go get a burrito.” Brad replied.

A BURRITO?!? What???  I was disappointed.  Then I thought about the poor probationer in the holding tank, “Officer is there any Chili Mac left?”

“What are you talking about? Chow was two hours ago and it was bologna sandwiches.” Explains a disgruntled corrections officer. 

I few weeks later, I tried the Chili Mac trick on someone else, without the assistance of Brad.

“The fuck are you talking about, there’s no such thing as Chili Mac.” 

I guess I don’t have the touch.