The Trouble With Omens

It’s my birthday today.  I’m not happy about it. Gone are the days of short ribs, Bronco rides, and beers.  Now, I only have the echos of my own voice to keep me company in this empty house.  To make it worse, I stumbled across some grim memes telling me based on my age how many weekends I have left, holidays, and birthdays. I’m one step closer to death.  The internet gods hate me.  I was going to try to pick myself up by talking about seizing the day and appreciating good people, but that’s been done.  Instead I thought about my favorite mortality story.  It’ll put me in a better mood and I figure the more I tell it, the more I’ll remember it.  

About a month after my brother died, I was a mess.  Thankfully I didn’t live alone, I had my roommate, Dan sharing a two bedroom duplex in San Diego.  Dan is the most animated, funny guy I know.  Perfect for me at that time.  He provided a constant distraction with jokes and hijinks.  Dan left one night to get some Thai food.  While he was gone, I was brushing my teeth getting ready for bed.  About halfway through the brush, I knew I wasn’t alone.  My brother was there.  I just knew it.  

“Oh no, don’t tell me you’re gonna visit me right now, I can’t handle it,” I said, walking back into my bedroom.  

There was my brother, wearing a navy blue long sleeved fenestrated dry fit shirt with light blue stripes on the shoulders, army green cargo shorts, and sneakers.  It’s funny that 21 years later I still remember that many details.  I walked up and hugged him.  

When I was hugging him I looked over his shoulder, there was a mirror.  I could see myself in the mirror hugging no one, just an empty space.  For a minute I felt goofy, but I dismissed it.  I could feel the texture of his shirt in my hands.  He was there.

We sat down on the edge of the bed and I started firing the questions.  

“What happed, where are you, are you okay?”

“It was my time, I had to go, please tell everyone I am okay.”

I got angry for a minute, “Why the FUCK did you leave me?”

“I didn’t leave you. I am always here of you.  I’ll always be looking out for you.”

“There is no way you can always be looking out for me.  What about mom and dad, and other things you have to be doing out there?  You can’t be everywhere.  You’re gonna be busy eventually, and probably bored with me,” suddenly I was an expert heavenly social planner.  

“Yeah, I do have things I have to do here, and I will get busy, but I won’t ever turn my back on you.  We’ll be like Obi Wan and Luke Skywalker (Star Wars – I shouldn’t have to tell you that).”

For whatever reason, that made me feel better.  I guess it was the Star Wars visual.  

“Well, can you at least send me a sign or omen every once in a while?  Sometimes I see a bird or something and I feel like that’s a signal from you, is that true?”

I could see the look on my brother’s face, it was a look of frustration.  He was always a patient guy, and he knew I was going ask about this.  You could tell he was my brother. 

“Do you know how hard it is to get a bird to fly by you?  Everyone thinks it’s easy.  First I have to generate enough energy to make the wind blow a certain way, and send pollen.  Then I need a bug to go after the pollen, and hopefully attract a bird to chase the bug.  All that has to be close to you, but not too close or the bird won’t go for it.  Then after all that work, you don’t even notice it.”

Hmmmm… makes sense.  No wonder the omens are never quite right.

“Well, what can I do, how do I make things better?”

“Just keep doing what you’re doing, and keep and open mind,” he said.  I wasn’t sure what that meant, but he gestured to the cross hanging from my neck.  I also had a Buddha symbol on the same chain.  I assume he meant staying away from super dogmatic beliefs. 

I could tell time was running out, so I went for the big one; the Mac Daddy question, “What’s our purpose?  What’s the meaning of life?”

He gave me a smile and looked at me with concern.  I could tell it was too much.  Too much for me to understand and too much for him to explain.  He did his best. 

“Just be happy and do your best to make others happy.”

… I tried to hide my disappointment.  

Suddenly I got super tired, like I took a dose of anesthesia. I couldn’t keep my eyes open.  I leaned back on my bed and my brother got up to leave. “Wait, don’t go.  Can you at least hang out until I fall asleep?” I asked.

He gave me a nod and sat back down.  Seconds later I felt myself drift off.  I could hear something leave the room, like wind passing through a door frame.  I woke up to Dan flying into the house, super excited to eat.

“I gots some Penang curry chicken, bitch!”  His entrance shattered the vibe.  In a good way.  

“…. what?” He asked after an awkward silence.  

“Nothing man, lets eat.”