Ashes

My worst fear, outside of anything happening with my wife or kids, is dementia.  I’m paralyzed by it sometimes.  My grandmother had it and I saw what it did to my Mom and our family.  It was brutal. 

My Uncle Mike was diagnosed with dementia a couple years ago.  This guy, in the coolest way for me to say it, is a MAN.  Built like a brick.  In perfect shape.  A rower, a hiker, anything outside where he could test himself, he loved.  A gym rat.  The diagnosis happening to him really threw me.  When I see bad news, I back off, I reset, leave things alone.   I go internal until I feel it is safe to pop my head out and see if I can help.  But my dad, man, he dives in with both feet.  What do we do?  Where do I get the care for him?  My Dad isn’t only my first call, he’s his whole family’s it seems.  I envy the shit out of him when it comes to his family.  He is completely unselfish.  His care is never for himself.  Always for his brothers and sisters and all his family members.

I love my Uncle Mike.  I always enjoy our conversations.  Being the dad of Chris and Adam really makes him a super hero in my eyes anyway.  Each chance I get to hear something about them I truly cherish.  When I visited Chris and Adam’s friends in Santa Barbara on truly one of the best days of my life the first person I thought of to speak to about it was my Uncle Mike. 

As the days move cruelly forward each time I would see Mike him and I would have a good little cry telling stories about Chris, and what his life and his passing meant to us.  Each conversation meaning the world to me.  Each time with this clock in my head that says someday he won’t remember those stories.  God damn do I hate dementia man.

About a month ago I was having a really crappy few days.  I had just started doing some volunteer work at the food pantry you guys have helped donate turkeys to the last couple of years in honor of my cousin Chris and his friend Genny.  But I felt a bit selfish doing it.  I was doing it to help pass a few hours a week.  I was going through the motions a bit.  Trying to help pass the time during the day.  As my daughter told me after I called her to tell her I felt a bit selfish that I just needed to keep showing up and soon I would see it was never selfish what I was doing.   Just you know, one of those periods in our lives where I had a few physical issues that really screwed with me mentally.  Just feeling the tank of gas was close to empty.

I pulled back into my driveway and I grabbed the mail to find a small package addressed to me.  I checked my amazon account to see what the heck I ordered.  I didn’t see anything, so I was confused.  But I opened the package, and I found this note written to me from my Uncle’s Mike’s partner, it read:

“Mark,

Enclosed you will find Uncle Mike’s amulet necklace which contains the ashes of Chris.  He wore it religiously, but sadly due to his dementia he cannot keep track of it.  Mike often talked about the close relationship you had with Chris, so I know he would 100% approve of passing this on to you, and I know this will hold special meaning for you.”

I was absolutely floored.  I feel completely undeserving of such an honor.  Chris has lived in my heart and soul for a very long time but seeing him show up at my doorstep was such an incredible feeling. 

I called my dad and told him what I had received, and I cried, because, well, I cry.  He calmly mentioned how happy he was for me.  He made a joke about something, and we moved on to talking about hockey logistics with our Maya Grace.  I am so envious of how my dad conducts himself.  He’s the call for all of his nine brothers and sisters, his four children and now some of his grandchildren.  That’s a lot of secrets, and pains, and successes, and love.  I truly envy how calming of a presence he is.

The Next weekend we had a large family dinner with my wife’s family and lots of my family, including my mom and Dad at my youngest daughter’s cheer competition.  It was truly great having so much support for my daughter.  As we sat and enjoyed each other’s company my dad handed me an envelope.  Says he was going to frame it, but he knew I didn’t need that.  He told me he found it while he was cleaning in the basement.  As I sit there and I open the letter as my nieces and nephews are being silly eating their buttered pasta, I see it is a hand written letter that Chris has written to me on my 18^th birthday.  Um, hey Dad, we are in public man.  Why are you trying to make your 45-year-old son melt in a random restaurant? 

I hand the letter to my brother and pass it around the table.  Knowing full well I can’t read it here.  I wait till I get home from dinner, and I sit and read it.  It was perfectly Chris.  A little self-deprecating and filled with words of wisdom.  Just how I always remember him.

Thanks Chris, I needed to hear from you.  Thanks for always showing up for me.

When I think of you, I always go through the same emotions.  I always smile and laugh and I always cry.  I love that I cry thinking of you.

Until we meet again

Forever the luckiest guy in any room.