My wife sent me this article to read last week and when I first started to read it I got a little offended.  It talked all about how this woman was the primary parent in her house.  How she did everything and was envious of her husband.  How he seemed free while every second of her day was filled with some type of task or responsibility.  How she was in charge of appointments for the kids,  and basically for having to always know what day of the week it is and what that means for everyone living under her roof.

I was offended because I do a lot.  I won’t go thru the list, but I definitely do my share.  But, I only do that because my wife lost it on my a few years ago and just said “I need help”.  So, I started to help.  I started to look at the easiest tasks I could just take from her.  And, to be honest, it worked.  Her stress level reduced, she started to smile around me a little bit more, so I kept adding stuff.

But, then I really thought about it, my wife has to know a little bit about everything.  Hey, when is water delivery coming?  What does Kiley need to wear for cheer practice?  Who is picking up Meghan from dance team practice?  She constantly has a schedule of events running thru her brain and is always the one that has to adjust when something changes.  Or, she has to immediately find new plans for the whatever change the kids or I throw at her at any given moment of the day.  And, I think I am helping while mindlessly watching Season 3 of Vikings and folding laundry.  I think I’m the hero for doing a daily task.   While she has 8 different text conversations going about one of her two jobs or a dinner plan for her Mom’s birthday or a ride next Tuesday for my youngest daughter because her normal ride isn’t available.

It’s fucking amazing all the shit she has to know.  I cook a meal at home and I think I did this great thing.  And my wife says “thanks for cooking, I have 4 1/2 minutes to eat before I need to pick up my oldest and take her to get her new glasses” and I sit there and think that I just cooked for 3 hours and all I got was a thanks, and I thought my oldest wore contacts???

And, I justify her being busy with things like, well, she likes to be busy.   Because, she is so good at it.  I think that it is her purpose in life.   What will she do when the kids are out of the house, she will be so lost?  And I would think that all her energy will then be focused on me, what a frightening thought.  I like my freedom of going through life with people not expecting much from me.  Sure, I like the spotlight on me while dancing at a wedding or something, but at home I thoroughly enjoy being the 4th person on the depth chart.  I love just quietly being able to do whatever I want without any real thought to it at all.  No one is paying attention to me because the other three humans live these completely chaotic lives.  And, my wife lives that life while having to also be solely responsible for every little detail in the kids lives.

I thought about how did she become the “primary” parent.  And I quickly realized the kids would be dead if she wasn’t.  She did it out of necessity.  She worked a job when they were young so that she could drop off and pick up kids from school.  She followed my oldest daughter to her dance classes and took a job there also, so that she could make both of their schedules fit into our lives.  She’s always thinking about what she needs to do for those kids.  Hardly ever thinking about herself.  It’s completely remarkable, especially coming from someone who does everything in his power to have others fit into his schedule.

Women grow their children in their bellies and I think they truly understand that every move they make is life and death for their babies and the best Moms never forget that.

Now, I consider myself a good Dad.  I even think of myself as a decent husband, but I can’t believe I am considered as the same species as my wife.  She’s completely selfless.  Courage, sacrifice, determination, commitment, toughness, heart, talent,  and guts.  That’s my wife in one sentence.  My girls are so lucky to grow up with my wife as their Mom.

I don’t say it enough, but I’m so lucky I get to live with a real life superhero.

Link to the article is here in case you want to get a great read

Being The Primary Parent Is Exhausting