Let me try and set the scene for you. It is winter 2003, I’m 23 and my friends and I decide to rent a house in North Conway, New Hampshire for the weekend. When we planned this weekend my wife and I were ready to just drink lots and lots and hang out. But, we found out after booking that she was pregnant, so her fun would be hanging with a bunch of drunk idiots, trying to not damage this beautiful human growing inside her.
Winter in New Hampshire is beautiful. The air is much cleaner and it just really looks beautiful. Everything about the scenery is relaxing, but we are up there to just drink and laugh. My friends and I really could have fun in a cardboard box as long as we had a few drinks with us. Sure, some of us travel to fancy places, but for the most part, my favorite times always include whenever we are when there are more than a few of us together.
The first night, a Friday that we all arrived was great. Some of us were still seeing each other all the time, but some we weren’t so it was a great time. One of the guys said he found a song for us to listen to so we put the CD player.
Just to bring you back to that time, this song wasn’t even popular yet. We must have listened to it 200 times that night. Singing, dancing, acting like idiots. I bet if you played that song now, for any of the people there it would bring them back to that night. It’s been 15 years and I can still picture that living room we were all hanging out in.
So, as most Friday nights go for us in our 20’s I drank way too much. No big deal right, happens to us all. The best part of vacations is there is almost no such thing as drinking too much. There is no hangover, cause you just wake up and have a drink and you are good to go.
So, we wake up late on Saturday and we decided to get some lunch. We drive to a restaurant called The Muddy Moose. If you know North Conway, you know The Muddy Moose. I’ve been there a ton of times, it is nothing special, just a normal restaurant. Not sure if it is just me, but it has that “I have to go here every time I am in New Hampshire vibe. Similar to when you travel. Every time we go to New Hampshire my wife goes to a small leather shop and gets a bracelet with her name on it. She has done that a ton of times. She brings the kids there now. It is just another something that helps the kids connect with her.
So, anyway, back to why I am telling you about The Muddy Moose. I get a chili cheese dog; we all eat and have a few more beers. Some of the ladies decide to go to the Outlet Malls. My wife is pregnant so she didn’t have as much fun as me on Friday night, so I figure I owe it to her to go to the Outlet Malls and shop with her and have some time together.
Again, if you know North Conway, you know the outlet malls. It is not a typically mall inside a big building. They are just connected, but it basically an outdoor mall. As we are shopping in the Gap or Old Navy I can hear my stomach start disagreeing with me. Usually I can talk him down and tell him we will fight this out a little later as I was busy at the moment. But, this time, he wanted to fight RIGHT now. So, I ask the wife if she remembers where the bathrooms are. Which, looking back might have saved my life. She was pregnant, so she knew where every bathroom within a 10 square mile radius was at all times. She tells me it was 200 yards away, so I tell her I will be back. As I start my journey I still think I am in control so I am not in a rush. Then, I start with the gas. But, not like a pistol, this is more like a machine gun. Rapid fire bullets are happening, so I speed up a little, but that only makes the gun fire faster. As I get maybe 50 yards for the promise land, I take the belt off. Not slow either, like probably the most athletic thing I have ever done. I kicked open the bathroom door, get to within 3 feet of the toilet and that’s as far as I can get. I drop the pants, and just poop everywhere. Like, everywhere. I waddle to the toilet and just do the hover and poop more. I like typing the word poop. I find it funnier to say poop than the truth that I shit all over that bathroom and all over the back of my legs.
So, I clean myself up as best I can and I leave the bathroom. I’m pretty sure they had to burn that bathroom to the ground after I was done, but I would have paid a million dollars to have seen the next guys reaction to that bathroom after I was done. I find my wife in the store and I whisper to her “do I smell like shit?”, to which her appropriate reaction is “what?”, so I say it again, this time I can feel my face is as red as Rudolph’s nose “I just shit myself, do I smell like shit? Anyway, we have to go”.
As I mentioned, it is wintertime, it was actually a pretty good snowstorm at the time. As we get in the car, I tell the wife she has to drive cause I’m not sure I can. I’m actually not sure of anything at the moment. My stomach and I have had a great relationship in the past, but I can’t trust him now. I’m not 100% sure how my wife was driving. Pregnant in a snow storm, with tears from laughing running down her face as I tell her the story of what I just went through, she continued to drive on. As we got closer my stomach decided to remind me who was now in charge. I tell the wife to speed up, to which she does; we do a 360 in the middle of the road. Luckily, no cars were near us, we continue and as we pull up to the house I leave her outside to run and find our “home” toilet. I barge in, this time making it all the way to the toilet. I throw the jeans away and jump in the shower. As I am in the shower trying to figure out what I am going to tell everyone who was already at house, maybe I’ll tell the wife I was embarrassed and not say anything. Well, I guess while I was in the shower, the wife decided it was too good of a story not to tell so when I walked in the living room I was greeting with a million jokes.
We have lots of great memories from that weekend. I do remember at the time being incredibly embarrassed, but then when I got to tell the story and hear my friends laugh about it I was actually happy. I realized that yes, they would all know and remember the time I shit myself, but they would remember. We all have these embarrassing stories about ourselves, but as time goes on they become just another thing that happened to you. Sometimes you are the one telling the jokes and sometimes you the “butt” of the joke.
While you might think, just as I did, that something embarrassing might ruin your life, lean on those around you. I know my friends turned something “crappy” in my life into one of my favorite stories I get to tell my kids.
Life’s too short, find your tribe and show them what makes you the person you are. Don’t be afraid to tell them about the time you shit your pants after eating at a restaurant called THE MUDDY MOOSE.
Categories: Adventures of Me