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Pockets

I’ve been going thru a lot of soul searching recently.  With my job being a bit of bummer, lots of layoffs and uncertainty, it isn’t the place I envision retiring from anymore.  Been doing a lot of the “What’s my dream job” type daydreaming.  I was recently asked “What is my Why?”  I was taken back by the question and didn’t have a real knock your socks off response.  I stumbled into a simple response of “my kids”, but I wasn’t really convincing in my response.  Obviously, my kids are what gives me the most joy, they are lots of times my reason for being on this earth, but I was still baffled a few days later thinking about “my why”.  I think it was more of a question of what challenges me, what do I want to accomplish, what the hell am I doing here type question. “ My why?” deserves some thought.  I don’t know the answer and I am glad that question was asked of me, because it means I am still searching, and it means, contrary to what I thought before, I have absolutely no clue who I am, or what I want to be.

It did get me thinking a lot, a very simple question actually broke my brain a bit.  Does my job have to fit into “My Why”?  or is that just a means to help me pursue my goals and dreams.   Does my work have to fulfill me in every way possible or can it just be a check that I put in the bank so I can put a roof over the kids heads.  Does everything in life, does every moment have to be the happiest moment of your life?

I think what I do while I search is to rely on small little moments, small little “happy” moments.  Like a memory of my oldest daughter when she was 4 singing a song to me “Stinky Armfeet, Stinky Armfeet, Kiley is a stinky Armfeet”.  As I type those words now I am smiling from ear to ear.  Or the sound of my wife laughing at the dog when he tries to snuggle with me in bed because she knows I hate when the dog does that.  She laughed so hard that I had no choice but to see it as funny.  Those little tiny pockets of happiness, they are what it is for me.

Lots of times we think that life is better for someone else, or that money is the answer.  I know I do.  I fall victim to that thinking all the time, especially when something isn’t going my way, or I just feel crappy.  I have no clue how I got into the bad mood, but now I am here and everything sucks.  I can’t get out of my own way, but then something happens, something very small.  One of the kids walks by and gives me a fist bump or starts a story with “I’ve been waiting to tell you this all day…” and boom, I’m back. 

“My why” isn’t playing center for the Boston Bruins, that’s not what my purpose being here is.  It’s putting a smile on my kids’ faces, or hearing my wife laugh.  My 9 to 5 is just that, my 9 to 5.  My real life, my real purpose is somewhere in the rest of the day.  I will find my work passion someday, I will love my job.  Right now, I love being a Dad and that’s good enough for me. It’s finding the right Dad joke to just make them crack a smile.   It’s trying to remind them that no matter what the world has in store for them, they know where home is.  They know where happiness is.     

I get thru my 9 to 5 as probably lots of us do, day dreaming about the rest of the day.  And if its noon on a Wednesday and I think that 5 o clock will never ever get here I just glance to my left at a picture of my family and I am transported to another time, another place.  The best part is there are so many to choose from.  There are so many small little pockets, or moments of happiness I can pick from.  Just as I was typing this a million more memories started to flood into my brain.  I can’t get the smile off my face.  

Small little dumb memories get me thru some dark times.  A song written by a 4 year old, over 10 years ago about Stinky Armfeet is my why.  I want a million more memories like that….

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Categories: Uncategorized

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